Good News and Bizarre Dreams

 Wednesday 14 October 2020

Since I last wrote I have been feeling better and better. My breathlessness has got so much less and I can go for walks lasting an hour or so. Feeling my strength coming back in my limbs which have been a bit wobbly all in all. All the tingly fingers, the nausea, the heart doing back flips, the weird achy pains have all gone. I am the closest to 'normal' I have been since before this cancer got me. Woop woop !

I had a conversation with the Thrombosis clinic consultant this morning and he said he was very pleased with my bloods. They are looking just like they want them to look. I felt extremely pleased with myself though I haven't exactly done anything. A bit like a child being told well done at school. Ha ha. I have been on the pills for nearly a month now and have not had any nasty side effects. I have managed to remember to take them twice a day. He will have another conversation with me in February when my 6 months is up. He might stop them then or he might put me on a lower dose for some more time. Time will tell. Elusive time stretching out in a formless way.

I had a conversation with the specialist nurse about my bloods and she said my CA125 level was down to 18 which is classed as 'normal'. Anything at or below 36 is classed as normal. This means my cancer is responding well to the treatment. The tricky thing is that my bone marrow is not recovering fast enough for me to have chemo treatment on Friday. We have made a plan for me to have just the maintenance drug on Friday and to have 2 sorts of chemo on the following Wednesday hoping that my bloods will be up to it. It is my last chemo treatment so they would like to give me the full cocktail but perhaps a lower dose. After that I have plenty of time for my bone marrow to recover.

I have had quite a celebratory time with people socially distancing in my yard with a fire pit to keep us warm and a Gazebo to shelter us from the rain. Delicious chocolate birthday cake cooked by my son for my dear friend and home made croissants brought to my yard and washed down with coffee. All set up and prepared for out door encounters and then Cardiff goes into local lockdown Arrrhhhh!

I've also been prancing in my basement with my medieval fidel making a video for Joglaresa with a bright red wig on all for the delights of Brighton Early Music Festival. Can't wait to see how the lock down edits turn out.

The real question is...... Do I really want to be 'normal'

Bizarre Dreams ! Chemo Dreams?

All performers will be familiar with our various versions of anxiety dreams. For me it is just before a new show opens whether it be a musical gig or a theatre show. These dreams re-surface with the same themes. For any one who has watched the Spinal Tap film you'll know the scenarios of getting lost backstage in a big venue and not being able to find your way to the stage. Other stories are.... oooh I've forgotten how to play the violin, I can't seem to get it out of its case, I am centre stage and I've forgotten the words, I'm in an opera and my voice is definately not operatic, I've forgotten my lines and I'm naked. The only way off stage is to move a mound of really noisy metal chairs all piled up on top of each other, which I try to do whilst a scene carries on on the other side of the stage, I'm on my way to a sound check but I get lost on route and find myself in a chilled out party. I can't seem to find the end of my jack to jack lead and I'm just about to play some music.

Last night in my dream I was supposed to be doing some gymnastics for a friend's film. I had to cartwheel into shot then do a back flip and then land gracefully in a certain position. Anyone who knows me will know that this is an impossible thing for me to do. In fact I've never been a graceful cart wheeler and most definately never done a back flip in my life! As I started my run into shot everything went horribly wrong and into slow motion so my miserable attempts were even worse because time seemed to slow down and I was thinking 'I should never have agreed to do this. Why on earth did they ask me, I'm a musician not a gymnast?' You know that sinking feeling when you want the ground to swallow you up Ahhhhhhhh.