Me at 18 and at 60

 

Friday July 10 2020

Sometimes I was a bit stunned waking up with the alarm at 12.30 at night and then again at 6.30 am. Sometimes I could go back to sleep in the mornings but sometimes I couldn't and I'd have to have a snooze in the afternoon. Two weeks on from the first session and my stomach has actually shrunk a little bit. There seems to be less fluid lolloping around my abdomen. It is incredible that only the one drug can make such a difference. The bubbling in my lungs is much less. I still feel breathless after walking up the stairs or walking up a slight hill. My friend has gone home and my son has moved in to look after me. Serendipity has it where he is in between girlfriends, jobs and places to live. A time of reflection to figure out what his next move will be in life. Meanwhile it is wonderful to have my son with me for a while and to help me through this extraordinary time together. We drove to Aberystwyth for a socially distanced tea and cake with my parents and told them the news. A very hard thing for them to hear completely out of the blue and I continue to have conversations everyday with them about it all. Everybody has encouraged me to be positive and accept that it is a process I will just have to go through and we can all go through it together.

I have now finished all my work related jobs and have no deadlines in the near future. I am relieved. I can focus on eating well and doing some gentle walking whenever my energy level allows me to. I have low level nausea pretty much all the time. I have no appetite so I just have to convince myself to eat. I have discovered rice cakes, salty ones, sweet ones, flavoured ones. They are great for distracting from the nausea but do not fill you up and make the stomach feel uncomfortable. I giggle at myself because for so many years I have been so rude about rice cakes. I could not see the point of them at all, “like eating polystyrene” I would declare in a superior voice! Vegetable crisps are good to snack on too.

Thursday July 9 2020

I decided that I would not go with the cold cap option of trying to save my hair from falling out. Over the years I have had hair in all shapes and sizes and colours and even had my head shaved for theatre productions twice in my life. I thought I would cut it off near the scalp and send it off to Little Princes Trust that make wigs for children that are undergoing chemotherapy. My hair was long and fell well below my waistline. I made two ponytails and cut them close to the scalp. Armed with my hair clippers I was just about to tackle the rest when the bulb went in the bathroom. There then ensued the building of a set of structures made out of various lamps and clip on torches extension leads and angled mirrors so I could see my head from all angles. (no spare bulb!) I used a number 4 clipper but left it quite tufty on top. (My son had gone to visit friends for a few days.) Before the haircut I had my son take a portrait of me with my long hair in the same pose as one from when I was 18, probably the last time my hair was so long. I made the two pictures into one. Me at 18 and me at 60. It seemed a significant moment.